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[16 Nov 2004|08:42pm] |
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This Godforsaken thing still exists?
Artemis Fowl the Second
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| ATTN: Miss 'Biz' |
[04 Nov 2003|05:57pm] |
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mood |
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 irritated |
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music |
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Butler giggling. |
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The enlightening book you took upon yourself to send to me, Crossdressing With Dignity, has arrived and has been confiscated by Butler.
As a result, he has locked himself in his room and one can just make out his barely audible giggling. I am not impressed.
Ergo, you owe me a bodyguard.
Artemis Fowl the Second
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[03 Sep 2003|09:58pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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Cost of pedigree Irish Setter puppy: US$800.00.
Cost of all tailored and/or Armani trousers ruined by said dog: US$1,300.
Watching the damned whelp stop destroying your pants and start on its owner's dresses...
Priceless.
Artemis Fowl the Second
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[01 Sep 2003|09:02pm] |
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mood |
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irritated |
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music |
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Barking. |
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It is my birthday today.
So tell me why did Mother see fit to purchase Juliet an Irish Setter puppy?
Honestly. The insolent little whelp delights in soiling our rugs. Of course, that is to be expected from something named Tinkerbell.
Juliet, kindly remove your dog from my pant leg.
Artemis Fowl the Second
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| And I rejoin the 'real' world... |
[27 Jul 2003|10:49pm] |
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mood |
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 working |
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music |
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Carl Orff - Carmina Burana |
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I return once more.
And what is this particular cause for my absence?
Well, most unfortunately, my parents are simply stubborn when it comes to my boarding at Saint Bartleby's. And whilst my PowerBook is my trusty travelling companion, the Information Technology staff in residence have the collective brainpower of a sticky toffee.
And so begins another chapter in the chronicles of Artemis Fowl the Second's enthralling life. Not only have I been deprived of the internet for weeks on end, but I am forced to sit through hours of meaningless drivel spouted from a textbook. That I happened to be a contributing author of, naturally; though that makes it all the more painful to hear my theoretical constructs mispronounced over and over again.
But I digress; I believe another tale needs to be published to you wonderful readers out there. And it pertains to the High-Speed Broadband Connection of Saint Bartleby's.
I do believe it was a Thursday morning, well before the rest of my dormitory awoke from slumber. I had since completed my customary meditations and opened up my PowerBook. I believe I had spent approximately seven minutes on the internet when, to my utter surprise and chagrin, a message popped up. I paraphrased it, somewhat:
HIIIII ARTEIMUS!!!11!
mY naME is Clary MarietTa ElvEnST*r and I HAve and IQ of 495!1!1! I livE in Da US of A And I HAve HackED URRRR ntReNAET! HahahAHA r0x0r!!11
And sure enough, the server had gone down. I would have made repairs had there not been an excess flood of these irritating messages; it got to the point that I had to shut down my computer lest my eyes shrivel. And then comes the revelation that it is not one "Master Hacker" partaking in this, but some three-hundred and twenty-two separate young women, all apparently after me.
I find this rather amusing; not only does it guarantee my status as 'targeted' - therefore assuring a place for Butler - but it shows the futility of the school's firewalls. And technology staff.
After watching them struggle for a few weeks, my patience gave out. It took me three minutes to find the problem and rectify it.
Never, ever pay an adult to do an adolescent's job.
Artemis Fowl the Second
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[24 Jun 2003|06:24pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Debussy - Petite Suite |
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...
Father returned from Sicily rather abruptly, as did Butler. Unfortunately, their haste was not intentional: my father has sustained some rather nasty bullet wounds. He took a forty-five calibre bullet to both his knee and shoulder blade, and just missed out on receiving an involuntary tracheotomy - despite wearing his Kevlar. Butler, fortunately, missed out on any bullets, however he is in need of six stitches to his left thigh, where a well-hidden Mafiosi landed a throwing-knife.
Mother is in a state of shock: she adjourned dinner and spent the entire evening, locked up in her dressing room, listening to the radio. Juliet and I intend to meet father and Butler at the airport tomorrow, when they are discharged from hospital in Italy.
On another topic: for the second time in a row in one week, Juliet's antenna has been disconnected. Except this time, a piece of torn material twice the size of a postage stamp was found draped on it. I am completely unaware as to the origin of this material; it is unlike any synthetic polymer I have encountered before.
I must look further into the problem. If, as I hypothesise, this is a case of intruders, I must investigate. The rooftop cameras have found nothing.
Artemis Fowl the Second
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| And the genius is right once more. |
[20 Jun 2003|10:08pm] |
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mood |
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 restless |
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In the end, I was correct.
Contrary to Juliet's opinion, the antenna on the East Wing of Fowl Manor had become somewhat disconnected, thus leading to her reception problems.
Father has returned to Sicily sans the remainder of the family; I do believe he felt as if we were a hindrance. Thus, Butler has left us - me - alone with Juliet.
I am beginning to fear for my life.
On another, similarly painful topic; the marking period following our exams at St. Bartleby's is drawing to a close. I fear that I may have to accept yet another award for academic excellence this year. It really is becoming a bother; I do not wish to clutter up another set of shelves with more awards. And diplomas.
Artemis Fowl the Second
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[15 Jun 2003|07:40pm] |
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mood |
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irritated |
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music |
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White noise. |
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Pardon my absence.
Italy was pleasant, however, my father still persists in 'begging (buying) forgiveness' from the Sicilian Mafia. I'm not quite sure what to say to this; my father's amici are certainly in no position to forgive. As far as my knowledge of my father's affairs extend, the Mafia has lost approximately 63 operatives at the hands of my father's men. To be quite frank, I would not have been surprised if father had fallen victim to a revenge killing.
However, he did not, and I spent a weekend at our Tuscan Villa, completing Doctor F. Roy Dean Schlippe's article well before his next deadline. Other than that, the weekend was time misspent, much to the chagrin of Juliet, who was firmly stuck in the Carpe Diem mindset.
I must make amends to change the locks on my bedroom in Tuscany; Juliet has made copies of the keys. Speaking of which, I now have ownership of a new set of electronic keys - waterproofed - that are fully functional.
Unfortunately, Juliet's television has broken. She insists that it is a tuning problem; I believe that the problem is her actual mounted antenna, which has been sustaining blows from large, unidentified objects. As I am younger - and therefore inferior - she believes that she is right. So she has been tampering with the tuning for the past hour. I believe I may develope a headache sometime soon.
Artemis Fowl the Second
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[09 Jun 2003|09:58pm] |
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mood |
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 mischievous |
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music |
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Evanescence - Bring Me To Life |
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Hi everyone!
Well, yesterday you wouldn't believe! Smarmy little girl turns up at our door and makes a move on Butler! Of course, I was there to save the day
Two days ago I was positively awful to the most wondrous of housemaids/bodyguards. I'm sure you know who I mean; she's beautiful, charming, and the best cook of them all! Of course, I mean Juliet. Even though she dropped my keys in the stew, it was alright, because I disabled her DVD player until I fixed it. So I'm NOT going to deduct the nearly two thousand quid from her salary because she wants a new MP-5 and an O'Dwyer VLE handgun, which is on special. In fact, I'm going to buy them for her.
And this weird guy who keeps annoying Arty me, I'm warning you! >:0
Oh yes, and now I'm going to give Juliet five pounds so she can go and buy a packet of honeyed popcorn, because I'm really a very nice guy.
Juliet Arty ^_^
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[08 Jun 2003|06:04pm] |
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mood |
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frustrated |
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music |
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Gabriel Fauré, Eulogié |
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I am beginning to believe that some fiction is somewhat more believable than reality.
What makes me say this, you ask?
Little more than a coincidence, I’m sure, but it was an incident that was altogether unnerving. Something I’d very much like to dismiss from my mind, but alas, I feel as if it has been seared into the flesh of my brain.
You see, a strange girl came to visit me today. For no apparent reason, she felt as if seeing a complete stranger (yours truly) about some inane, fantastic legend, would help her in her quest for knowledge. As I am something of a sceptic, I viewed her arrival with some hostility; to be frank, I shut the door in her face. But somehow she broke into the manor, despite the £10,000 security system installed last year. And proceeded to spin her convoluted tale. Which, ultimately, was a complete fabrication.
I believe that now a little information on my visitor is required. She was diminuitive, what Hollywood gossip-mongers would call ‘petite’, with flaming red hair down to her waist. What put me off about this certain feature was that it had the tendency to change colours – red, orange, black, pink, green – every so often. Her eyes were also a phenomenon; purple to start off, but I recall, as she left, they were an interesting shade of chartreuse.
Dressed in black leather, no less, she made a blatant attempt to seduce Butler, who might have fell for her wily charms had Juliet not been there, making some sort of gutteral noise at the girl. After being thwarted, she perched upon the corner of the billiards table and introduced herself – “Adamina Skye Delfina Clytemnestra Clothilde Hafsa Max Drusilla Benedikta Damayanti Mirembe Crocifissa Béibhinn Blodeuyn Emi Starwolf Nightingale Marietta Suzette Myname Isalo Ng Legacy Azuolas the Fourth,” or something just as tediously long as that.
As it turned out; she was not here to seek my guidance. No, apparently she has an Intelligence Quota of 498,653; and was in my residence to ‘do me in’, as she so delicately put it. If she had had half a brain she would not have left the safety catch on her handgun off, and it would not have discharged when she dismounted the billiards table. And she wouldn’t have to have a knee reconstruction, at any rate.
She was escorted from our grounds several minutes later, her getaway vehicle an ambulance.
I am beginning to think that certain people have a hand in this.
Artemis Fowl the Second
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[08 Jun 2003|09:24am] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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I have taken the liberty of researching possible solutions to the acronym, "LEP". As much as I am convinced that the 'commander' is a madman, there is certain intrigue as to what his organisation is. I do wish to know who is spying on my diary.
Laboratorie d'Electronique de Physique (France)
Lambda Epsilon Pi (coed human rights fraternity)
Large Electronic Panel
Large Electron-Positron
Laser Eye Protection
Launch Escape Pod
Law Enforcement Pistol (Colt)
Lepontic (linguistics)
Less English Proficient
Library of Exact Philosophy
Licensed Environmental Professional
Light-Emitting Polymers
Limited Edition Print
Limited English Proficiency
Linear Error Probable
List of Effective Pages
Little English Proficiency
Local Electron Pair
Loss of Earning Power
Low Energy Particle
Low English Proficiency
Low-Energy Photon
Lowest Effective Power
Lowest Evaluated Price
Lycée d'Enseignement Professionnel (France)
Unfortunately, the majority of that list makes no sense when put into context. Perhaps I can coax Butler into a covert operation.
I feel as if I have heard of the organisation once in the past - in a snippet of gossip, perhaps? It is as if my brain wishes not to divulge the information.
Artemis Fowl the Second
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| Wonderful. Just Wonderful. |
[07 Jun 2003|09:07pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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Petite Suite - Ballet, Claude Debussy |
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Today came along just swimmingly, didn't it? I now have to buy a new set of keys, my revenge attempt fell through, and I am being stalked by a deranged, 'jaded police commander'. Who is also possibly a paedophile.
Butler? Do you know this man?
Artemis Fowl the Second
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| Well... |
[07 Jun 2003|05:19pm] |
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mood |
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 cynical |
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music |
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The World Wrestling Smackdown emanating from downstairs. |
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Revenge was executed perfectly, although I am afraid I may need to work on my façade of innocence; my guilt was presumed immediately some minutes after Juliet discovered her DVD player had ceased to function, despite my being in the wing furthest away from the crime. I was forced into repairing the infernal device, which certainly wasn't hard, it's just the principles.
Perhaps I can talk Mother or Father into deducting the fee for my keys from Juliet's salary.
Artemis Fowl the Second
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| Revenge, upon reflection, is not that childish. |
[07 Jun 2003|10:19am] |
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mood |
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devious |
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music |
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Carmen - Prélude I. Allegro giocoso, Georges Bizet |
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After all, what sort of child could possibly conduct such a devious scheme as mine? And I severely doubt that any normal child could disable a DVD player with such care so as not to arouse suspicion.
All I am required to do now is act nonchalant and wait until a certain maid feels the need to watch a spot of wrestling.
On a side note: The electronic keys to my storage room, my ensuite bathroom, the garage, and four other rooms are not functional. Messrs McAulay and Keller, our locksmiths, cannot order new sets until next week. Thankyou for your destructive tendencies, Miss Butler. I now have to walk fifty-four metres to the bathroom in the morning.
Artemis Fowl the Second
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[06 Jun 2003|11:22pm] |
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mood |
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thoughtful |
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Boredom still plagues me.
I cannot think of a suitable alternative to revenge. Perhaps something small will suffice.
Artemis Fowl the Second
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[06 Jun 2003|09:17pm] |
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mood |
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annoyed |
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I am beginning to severely regret my choice to start up an online diary. Already I have two salivating minions ready to do my every bidding. I dread to even contemplate what this will do to my reputation - Artemis Fowl the Second, exhibitionist extraordinaire?
Dinner was Juliet's affair. I did not even attempt to set the table. She sent me a sour look when placing the Beef Bourguignon upon the table; however, I did not resort to such immaturity.
Imagine my absolute abhorrence when I found my set of keys in my stew. I am certain the electronic keys will be ruined. Honestly, the damned woman has no common sense.
I, however, will not resort to such a petty, uncivilised solution as revenge.
Artemis Fowl the Second
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| One would think... |
[06 Jun 2003|06:22pm] |
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sore |
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music |
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The incessant sound of vacuuming. |
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... That a bodyguard's duty is to look after an allocated charge. But I have had the misfortune to discover that this is not so.
I am sure that you are all well aware - thanks to a certain little bird - that my culinary skills are not of the Cordon Bleu variety. But I try, ladies and gentlemen, I really do try, to put a bit of effort into preparing a meal for myself on occasions, though admittedly I have purposely avoided using the stove - mostly due to Juliet's certain fondness for the contraption. The girl never ceases to dwell about it.
But today - Juliet was off re-coordinating the drapery, my parents were pottering about our grounds, and Butler was off somewhere - I had the perfect opportunity to fashion some sort of hot meal. I settled on making something simple; wild mushroom risotto. It certainly wasn't hard for me, and the risotto was up to standards - but apparently, I had left the kitchen in a state of neglect. Needless to say, Juliet was a tad put off by the fact that 'her' kitchen floor was covered in rice. Never mind that she is paid to clean. Oh, Heaven forbid that she actually does her job.
Following something of a screaming fit - and a boxing of the ears - Butler found an inopportune moment to saunter in. Ignoring my pleas for help - and the bruises I nursed - Butler told me to clean up my own messes next time.
Well, you can mark your words there will not be a next time.
Artemis Fowl the Second
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| Such things boredom will force one to do... |
[06 Jun 2003|04:45pm] |
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mood |
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bored |
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music |
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Fauré - Berceuse [From The Dolly Suite] |
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Well, ladies and gentlemen, Ireland's less than satisfactory weather has driven yours truly into taking part in the seemingly innocent social experiment that is LiveJournal.
That's right. Artemis Fowl the Second has - of all things - a LiveJournal.
The mind can hardly fathom the frivolity of such a thing. To think that people regularly update a public display of their futile lives is, in short, quite baffling. Not to mention the psychological phenomena published every minute, for all the world to see...
I had better shut my mouth - stop typing, rather - before I am branded a hypocrite.
Artemis Fowl the Second
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